Lukewarm?

As God chipped away my bricks of pride and my self absorbed ways, I was able to yearn to understand more of His heart and His will. And as I meditated to get my heart to be in sync with His heart, I was hit with a revelation regarding my false humility - I'm constantly praying for cleansing (feeling humble as I seek Him) but then standing back up to go on with my own subjective ways. It hit me that true humility is not when I simply pray for forgiveness. This is only half of the process, and without the latter, it is false humility - a delusion, and a lie to myself. I realized I need to seek forgiveness, and right away, live out my repentance - resurrecting and dying to myself so that I am able to carry out His will, not my own.

One thing that sharply struck my heart, as I dove deeper into Him, was my lack of concern for humanity. It's so easy to go about my own business and not care of others who can really benefit from just a moment of my time. And it's so easy to fool myself to think that I care about true equality, when my actions prove otherwise. It's funny now thinking of how I had wanted a softer heart for humanity while not doing anything about it. This world really does a great job of blinding my eyes so that I cannot see, taste, and hear the Truth. It likes to keep me in my comfort zone and tell me I'm doing fine - that thinking of loving is enough. I realized my hesitation to serve and "get dirty" evolved me to be more and more self absorbed and jaded from realizing real beauty, and experiencing true joy. Even my prayers were constantly focused on myself - "God help me to understand" instead of "I want to serve Your kingdom". It looks like I've been pleading to God to serve me, and not the other way around. I repetitively forget that This entire story is about Him!

Forcing myself to turn my revelation into action, I went to New York City to serve at Feed 500. I have to admit, it wasn't easy getting up early to head in to the city to spend time with people I didn't know. And I had always wanted the passion first, so that I can serve. I didn't want to fake it. If I was going to serve, I wanted the desire to be there. I guess I really underestimated the power of sin in this world, and how it calluses my heart to suppress and destroy the desires to be righteous. But really, it was just as it's written in the Bible - like the crippled that initiated the healing process by reaching out for Jesus before actually being healed. When I finally obeyed first, and served, I understood God's will and it stirred the passion in my heart. Although it was a struggle the entire way up to Harlem, as soon as I got there, the Spirit started to steer the wheel. And John, the director of Feed 500, really set the stage for my heart to yearn to serve.

"We are not here to feed as many people as possible. We are here to love them by listening, spending time with them, and showing them that we care. Thousands of people walk passed them every single day. If this happened to you, wouldn't you murmur and talk to yourself? Wouldn't you be just as consumed with loneliness and fear? You all have two lunch bags. One for you and one for a person that is homeless."

As John spoke these words, I was finally able to relate. I started to imagine thousands of people walking passed me as I desperately asked for money for my next meal. I started to imagine a world without family to watch out for me. I started to imagine being tortured because I was vulnerable, without anyone to care about me. Why didn't I do anything to care for humanity before? How can I be a Christian if I cannot get out of my head and genuinely love like Christ loved? Talk is cheap. I never cared for humanity because I never chose to get dirty, understand, and gain real perspective. This event truly opened my heart to love people a little more.

The day went great. I hung out in the open near Penn Station with a couple of people that were homeless at the time, and we had a blast eating lunch together. They were so happy to just have someone listen. And when I asked if I could pray for them, they were estatic! The cost of all this? Just a moment of my time...

This experience allowed me to understand how to love. It is never just standing there and romanticizing to love - nor is it just loving those that we believe are "worthy" of our love. But to love is exactly like how Christ loved - how he gave up all the glory and comfort, limited Himself to time and flesh, got dirty in this sinful world, and died to raise all of humanity. I need to love by breaking my comfort. I need to get down and dirty. I need to die to myself - my will and my subjective ways - so that others may know the Truth. I want to serve with this love.