Undulation

"Our nearest approach to constancy, therefore, is undulation" - CS Lewis

Naturally, as spiritual beings, we belong to an eternal world, but we are sadly trapped by the limit of time. In an eternal world without the law of time, all would be kept at a constant - as is God. However, our natural tendency of undulations - series of lows and highs, troughs and peaks - are inevitable, as to be in time means change. When time takes its course, everything is always changing: Our bodies, desires, and thoughts are constantly in some sort of a transition. We will never be able to avoid our undulating nature as long as we are stuck in time.

I believe it may be due to the lack of understanding our own nature, that we become disappointed when we shift from peak to trough times. Why do we assume that the high-octane condition will last forever? And once we transition out of the peak, why do we assume our "dry" stage is a perpetual state of our being? I believe it is Satan's work - making us delusional at all points during our natural undulations. We cannot expect ourselves to possess perfect, consistent behaviors/emotions as inhabitants of time. However, we can take this natural phenomenon and make it as God desires. We often forget that God relies on the troughs even more than the peaks - as some of the greatest people in the bible have all gone through their share of this natural period, and have built their character to last a life time. I think it's pretty obvious why God relies on this period the most: To test our character. If we can can all be nice/good when things are smooth, what can this period possibly show about the depth of our character? Isn't it exponentially more important to see how a person handles a problem during the rocky times - when our back is against the wall?

This, when emotional highs are gone, is also the perfect time for Satan to attack - when we are pressured to choose a side without emotions attached, but from pure discipline. He's been lurking around us, whispering lies, but during the time of dullness, He attacks attack us with full force. He screams in to our minds to turn our eyes on the desires of the flesh - usually using sensual temptations, as this works powerfully during our lows. It is during the time of troughs that we become more perverted and make the natural conditions, least natural. In "Screwtape Letters", Lewis states that Satan uses "an ever increasing craving for an ever diminishing pleasure" as the perfect formula to amuse our sinful appetite. I know he writes this beautifully (I have a small man crush), but this picture is far from beautiful. When we get become consumed with sin, especially during our troughs, we become more and more blind to what is really happening around us. When we indulge in the desires of our flesh, we become addicted and this drug becomes less and less enjoyable - until it is too late. We need to control our minds and reject the lies/insecurities that Satan bring. And when we fall during our walk (as everyone is capable of doing) we need to get back up quickly before we become addicted to the worldly drugs and become dependent on its diminishing pleasure.

Got Salvation?

"Am I saved?"

This question definitely gets more and more serious as we walk closer towards God. I think it may be because our perception of God continuously changes to be more profound when we dig deeper in to the meaning of the Him. As "Christians" we ask this question to ourselves and we usually answer "Yes, because I believe in Jesus". But I'm not sure if we've given enough thought when we attempt to answer such a serious question- a question that may determine True life and True death. John Piper says, "All kinds of luke warm, world-loving church attenders say they believe. The world abounds with millions of unconverted people who say they believe in Jesus... In my neighborhood, every drunk on the street "believes in Jesus. Drug dealers "believe" in Jesus. Panhandlers who haven't been to church in forty years "believe" in Jesus. So I use different words to unpack what believe means. In recent years I have asked, "Do you receive Jesus as your Treasure?" Not just Savior. Not just Lord. The key is: Do you treasure Him more than everything?"

"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven."

Matthew 7:21

When a man fails in personal Christian experience, it is nearly always because he has never received anything. The only sign that a man is saved is that he has received something from Jesus Christ. Our part as workers for God is to open men's eyes that they turn themselves from darkness to light; but that is not salvation, that is conversion- the effort of a roused human being. I do not think it is too sweeping to say that the majority of nominal Christians are of this order; their eyes are opened, but they have received nothing. Conversion is not regeneration. This is one of the neglected factors in our preaching today.

- Oswald Chambers (My Upmost for His Highest)

I agree completely with Chambers that "open eyes" is just the first step to really receiving Jesus, so that we can finally have a softened heart to learn about God's mystery. Once our eyes are opened, its a constant battle with heaven and hell- both sides fight for our soul, but it's up to us if we have the mental, physical, and spiritual discipline to win the fight for God. Saying "I believe in Christ" once (when our eyes are first opened) is not enough. I believe our faith in the Lord must be constantly renewed and if at any point we are satisfied (or stagnant) with our position with God, it's a time to be fearful that we may be drifting from Him. Similar to when we give to the poor, our heart should condemn us even after we've helped our neighbors - as the burden from this world should constantly sink our hearts.

Perfect Timing

The overwhelming joy and wisdom from the Lord, is at times, uncontrollable. Being humans, I think we tend to let our natural self go, without being cautious of the consequences it may cause. It's not that the intent is wrong, but the timing (delivery) may be.

When communication is successful, I believe two things have gone right: Content and Delivery. If the information (content) you are trying to transfer to the other person is incorrect, it doesn't matter much you try- communication will not be successful. Assuming that the person receiving the information is knowledgeable about the subject, you must be prepared and first have your information correct. Only then, can you move on to the second, more difficult element (in my opinion) of communication- Delivery. This subdivision of communication can be viewed as either the technique the speaker uses, or simply the mere timing of the conversation. Improving one's speaking technique - adjusting the tone and the speed of your words - is extremely difficult. It takes mental discipline to rid emotions from interfering with the communication of your thought process. Likewise, having discipline to time the perfect opportunity, is just as important. Without it, I've realized I'm acting on my humanistic impulses, and not God's.

Over the weekend, I was humbled once again when saw my natural self take over and leave God's will behind me. Probably for divine reasons, God has blessed me to love intense conversations where my close friends and I can dig deep in to unexplored territories. However, this comes with responsibilities: I need to learn to control and discern the right place and the right time to share my deep thoughts. Being the immature Christian that I am, I sometimes cannot control myself but to be intense when it is clearly not the right time to be. Instead of showing love, I expect others to love me. Instead of lower myself to understand them, I set my bar higher, and expect others to understand me. I forget my surroundings and plunge into conversations I desire to indulge in, not caring about how others would take it at that specific time- expecting them to swallow my words. It's pretty obvious to me that this is a form of Pride, and I must kill it. It is disgusting.

I pray that God will come, and surgically remove this disgusting form of Pride, and help me to control the timing of my words. May I grow, in God, to be more wise with solid Content, and solid Delivery- so that I may have be able to communicate His words perfectly.

Promotion: "Counterfeit Gods"

This entry is to promote one of my favorite writers, Tim Keller. His new book "Counterfeit Gods" has hit the stores in October 2009. Get someee!!!

Idols in Our Culture

"At the heart of every culture is its main "Hope," what it tells its members that life is all about. [Andrew] Delbanco traces three phases of American civilization by looking at the fundamental hope of each era, which he names in sequence "God, Nation, and Self." In the first era "he was chiefly expressed through a Christian story that gave meaning to suffering and pleasure alike and promised deliverance from death." In the second phase, 'the Enlightenment removed a personal God... and substituted... the idea of a deified nation.' This second phase, which Delbanco says only began to pass away during the 1960s, transferred older ideas of sacredness to America itself, so that it came to see itself as the "Redeemer nation" whose system of government and way of life was the hope for the whole world.

Today the need for transcendence and meaning has detached itself from anything more important than the individual self and its freedom to be what it chooses. Among younger people, the older flag-waving "America first" mind-set is out. Now life is about creating a self through the maximization of individual freedom from the constraints of community.

Delbanco's cultural analysis is essentially an idol analysis. The age of "Self" explains why the maximization of profit has take on power that it has. Now we see the complexity of what shapes and drives us. Any dominant cultural "Hope" that is not God himself is a counterfeit god. Idols, then, do not only take individual form, but can be corporate and systemic. When we are completely immersed in society of people who consider a particular idolatrous attachment normal, it becomes almost impossible to discern it for what it is.

We should not think that one culture is less idolatrous than the next. Traditional societies tend to make the family unit and the clan into an absolute, ultimate thing. This can lead to honor killings, the treatment of women as chattel, and violence toward gay people. Western, secular cultures make an idol out of individual freedom, and this leads to the breakdown of the family, rampant materialism, careerism, and the idolization of romantic love, physical beauty, and profit."

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This chapter really made me sick to my stomach. History has repeated itself, and we are living in the last phase of a crumbling civilization. Like all the other great empires in the past, America has gone from focusing on God, then nation, and now.. individuals. No wonder divorce rates are sky high and we mold our lives around our career. We are selfish and the philosophy of the "survival of the fittest" has permeated through our mind, body, and soul. As Keller says, "it becomes almost impossible to discern it for what it is", by the time it gets to the last phase - "Self" - it is too late. Unless, somehow, God humbles our hearts, we are hopelessly blind to our coming destruction. I am fearful for our nation and pray God will show mercy to us all...

Where's my high?

I've been attending morning prayers at a nearby church this week to strengthen my mental, physical, and spiritual discipline, as well as to pray for the ones I love. In the beginning of the week, it was extremely emotional. I'd wake up, get in the car , turn on my favorite song - "How He Loves" - and tears would drip my cheeks as I drove to pray. As I drove, I felt like I was preparing to go to war. And once I got to church, my prayers "felt" powerful- like I was moving the unmovable. However, today wasn't the same. My prayers didn't "feel" as powerful and "felt" like I was throwing my prayers with my left arm- moving only a couple feet. Maybe it was because I was tired. But my mindset wasn't any different. I didn't believe in God any less than the days before, and my prayer was definitely genuine. At the end, I came out of the church a little confused. Why wasn't I as spiritually high as the other days? Am I getting too used to coming to morning prayer? The thought of losing the ability to generate emotional, "powerful" prayers, frightened me.

Its very obvious that Satan has attempted to trick me once again. He tried to bend my mind backwards, to think the product of the Spirit is some sort of emotional high or the formation of tears. However, although emotional periods are a blessing, I must also take the calm, stoic times with gratitude and accomplish things that cannot be done during high emotional periods. I must discern the reasons for my emotional/stoic state correctly and not undermine His grace that lives in me.

This leads in to a thought that's been in my heart for quite some time- spiritual gifts. I believe that spiritual gifts can be just as harmful, as they can be beneficial- similar to currency. Once you receive a gift, it feels so powerful, that Christians even become pretentious about it. It's great to want spiritual gifts, but people must be careful to seek their true motive for such gifts. For example, when people want to be rich, I'd question their motive. What's the point? And if it's for good reason, will you ACTUALLY do it? Or are you justifying your desire and lying to yourself? Is it just another badge on your belt? You can't trick God!

I pray that God will bless me in time with spiritual gifts - when my character is ready to handle such responsibilities. So, rather than the gifts, I pray that God builds me to be His worshipper with Jesus-like characters. I hold Humility at the core of my faith, and nothing else. Spiritual gifts are secondary.

So Wild..

My God is not a Tamed God, but a Wild God. I cannot control Him, and, even though I'm delusional at times, when my thoughts are clear, I find it crazy to possibly think that I can put Him in to any sort of Debt with my "good" thoughts and deeds - expecting some sort of payment back for my worship. Satan tricks me, and plants a sense of entitlement in my heart at times, and I hear myself screaming "What more can I do?". I trick myself to thinking I have control over my redemption. However, I've realized that it's all wishful thinking and it's our humanistic tendency to want to be in the driver's seat- to be in control. My God is a God of Grace and Love - that pours out Himself so much, that He puts Everyone else in Debt. And when we come to realize This Grace, we have no other choice but to want to do everything in our power to Worship Him mentally, physically, and spiritually.

I've been listening to Jesus Culture's cover for the below song, and it's one of the closest ways to describe my current state of mind.

Obsession by Martin Smith

What can I do with my obsession?
With the things I cannot see
Is there madness in my being?
Is it wind that blows the trees?
Sometimes you're further than the moon
Sometimes you're closer than my skin
And you surround me like a winter fog
You've come and burned me with a kiss

And my heart burns for you
And my heart burns

And I'm so filthy with my sin
I carry pride like a disease
You know I'm stubborn God and I'm longing
to be close
You burn me deeper than I know
I feel lonely without hope
I feel desperate without vision
You wrap around me like a winter coat
You come and free me like a bird

And my heart burns for you
And my heart burns for you

How Desperate Are We?

[Zacchaeus] wanted to see who Jesus was, but being a short man, he could not, because of the crowd. So he ran ahead and climbed a sycamore-fig tree to see him, since Jesus was coming that way. When Jesus reached the spot, he looked up and said to him, "Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today." So he came down at once and welcomed him gladly. All the people saw this and began to mutter, "He has gone to be the guest of a 'sinner.' " - Luke 19:3-7

In Tim Keller's new book, "Counterfeit Gods", Keller digs deeper in to the above passage and points out two interesting points: Desperation of Zacchaeus and the way Jesus comes in to Zacchaeus' heart.

Zacchaeus was the arch-tax collector of his contracted region and one of the most wealthiest people. However, he was one of the most hated people. "Think of what people thought of the collaborators who, under the Nazis, oppressed their own people during World War II" [Tim Keller, Counterfeit Gods], as Zacchaeus was the head tax collector for the Romans, which occupied Israel during this time. However, although Zacchaeus was a short man, and couldn't see over the crowd, he climbed a near by tree to get a glimpse of Jesus.

"We must appreciate the significance of this. In traditional cultures it was not freedom and rights that mattered but honor and dignity. For a grown male to climb up in to a tree would have invited enormous ridicule. Surely a person like Zacchaeus, who was already despised and a short man as well, would be more careful to act in a way that was fitting to a dignified personage" [Keller, Counterfeit Gods].

This desperate act of Zacchaeus really humbled me- No matter how deep I am in sin, I need to be desperate for God, and rid my delusions of insecurities from others judging me. If people that judge are wrong in God's eyes, why should I let their judgement have any weight on my decision to serve the Lord? How desperate am I to just merely get a glimpse of His glory? I want to be as desperate as Zacchaeus.

The interaction of Zacchaeus and Jesus is also importantly noted- The only thing Jesus expect from us is humility, and He will do the rest. Once we break our pride and dignity, we allow ourselves to hear His call. Without this process, we can only be indulged in our self-centered ways, and it is impossible for us to hear the Truth.

"This simple interchage could not have been more instructive for us. Zacchaeus did not approach Jesus with pride but with humility. He did not stand on his dignity and wealth; instead he put aside his station in life and was willing to be ridiculed in order to get a glimpse of Jesus. Ultimately, it was not Zacchaeus who asked Jesus into his life, but Jesus who asked Zacchaeus into his" [Keller, Counterfeit Gods].

I hope I allow Jesus to call my name everyday...

Finding Happiness

Through fasting and praying, I've been trying my best to reverse my humanistic thought process this week- Forgetting myself and transferring all thoughts and concerns for the ones around me.

It was definitely an enlightening process, searching and feeding my thirst for God's wisdom and love by covering myself with great books, but I took a step back this week and realized I need to focus on balance (something I usually lack because of my natural intensity). The sole motivation for all my actions for the past couple months were to strengthen my foundation with God and to grow my faith. All of this was extremely necessary, especially because my faith was not solid, but I've come to understand that this is only half of what Jesus is asking us to do. Of course we need to feed ourselves, as we'd starve if we didn't, but we also need to feed others. We were never made to satisfy ourselves! Paying for my own meal doesn't come close to the satisfaction I get from buying a meal for my friend. When we serve others with pride in our hearts, it's dangerous. But when we serve others with a humble heart, just to see them happy, we find love.

Using my relationship with my girlfriend to my advantage, I've been trying my best to stop thinking about the emotional needs I wish my gf would give me, and simply give her all the emotional needs she wants/needs. And whenever I do this, I get more satisfaction than I would have, if I were to seek my needs from her. Everything we desire for ourselves is usually very temporary, but I've found that the love we give to others, feed our soul. Satan will tend to reverse our thoughts at times and make us ask ourselves, "but if I'm doing all this for her, what is she doing for me?", and this is where you need to quickly discern it's wrong to think this way. All self-centered thoughts branch from pride.. and we know where pride comes from!

True joy comes when you love another more than yourself- when you become selfless, and rid all self-center thoughts and acts. I find myself more powerfully moved when I'm praying for others than for myself, as I feel the love I have for them. At times, we forget we even have that much love, but this is only the case because we've been asleep to it- as a man could never know he was asleep until he awakes.

In the context of sinning, I often felt shackled by my sin and it's always hindered me from walking with the Lord. But now I realize I was unnecessarily thinking about myself too much. Repentance is not about feeling guilty about our sin, but rejecting all thoughts of ourselves (including the sin), seeking His love (strengthening our faith), and doing His will (being a blessing to others). It just takes some mental discipline.

To Serve or To Be Served?

When I think of the word Humility, the thought of serving comes to mind. However, there's a whole another side of being humble. Being grateful, when one is served, is also a sign of true humility.

After meditating on the subject of Pride last week, I came to a conclusion that true Humility means completely forgetting about yourself- killing your humanistic ways and orbiting around God and your neighbors. Humility is the exact opposite of being self-centered. With this in mind, it's easy to think that serving another would always lead to an act of humility. However, this is always not the case.

Today, I was thinking.. "Maybe I should make dinner for my family and my girlfriend for my birthday". I wanted to reverse my thinking of Birthdays and cast away the self-centered thoughts of it all. However, once I put myself in their shoes, I discovered that, by me thinking "I want to serve for my birthday", I was actually being self-centered. I was simply not thinking of the happiness it would bring my parents and my girlfriend if they were to serve me for my birthday- I'd be selfishly taking away their happiness. Their happiness is worth more than mine.

Humility is then, not only worrying about serving, but putting ourselves in other's perspective, and accepting the service of other's with gratitude (understanding the joy it brings them).

Invisible World

Imagine an "invisible world", said the missionary. And my journey began..

Somehow, those gently spoken words by a stranger have led me to a road I casted out and refused to believe, when I was in college. Somehow, those simple words broke down my pride and blew off all the dust I had collected- the mountain piles of dirt that made it impossible for the Truth to shine through me. It was the missionary that spoke those words, but it was definitely God that spread the gates of heaven, allowed me to understand, gave me a gift, and planted the victorious flag in the center of my heart. He has struck me too hard, for me to ever let this slip away.

Lord, please expand my understanding of your great love, wisdom, and power. Help me to discern and cast away all the delusions that this world has deceived me with. And be my strength, Lord, to fight the demons that constantly stir pride in my heart, distracts me from indulging in the Truth, and hinders me from your ways. Amen.