Finding Happiness

Through fasting and praying, I've been trying my best to reverse my humanistic thought process this week- Forgetting myself and transferring all thoughts and concerns for the ones around me.

It was definitely an enlightening process, searching and feeding my thirst for God's wisdom and love by covering myself with great books, but I took a step back this week and realized I need to focus on balance (something I usually lack because of my natural intensity). The sole motivation for all my actions for the past couple months were to strengthen my foundation with God and to grow my faith. All of this was extremely necessary, especially because my faith was not solid, but I've come to understand that this is only half of what Jesus is asking us to do. Of course we need to feed ourselves, as we'd starve if we didn't, but we also need to feed others. We were never made to satisfy ourselves! Paying for my own meal doesn't come close to the satisfaction I get from buying a meal for my friend. When we serve others with pride in our hearts, it's dangerous. But when we serve others with a humble heart, just to see them happy, we find love.

Using my relationship with my girlfriend to my advantage, I've been trying my best to stop thinking about the emotional needs I wish my gf would give me, and simply give her all the emotional needs she wants/needs. And whenever I do this, I get more satisfaction than I would have, if I were to seek my needs from her. Everything we desire for ourselves is usually very temporary, but I've found that the love we give to others, feed our soul. Satan will tend to reverse our thoughts at times and make us ask ourselves, "but if I'm doing all this for her, what is she doing for me?", and this is where you need to quickly discern it's wrong to think this way. All self-centered thoughts branch from pride.. and we know where pride comes from!

True joy comes when you love another more than yourself- when you become selfless, and rid all self-center thoughts and acts. I find myself more powerfully moved when I'm praying for others than for myself, as I feel the love I have for them. At times, we forget we even have that much love, but this is only the case because we've been asleep to it- as a man could never know he was asleep until he awakes.

In the context of sinning, I often felt shackled by my sin and it's always hindered me from walking with the Lord. But now I realize I was unnecessarily thinking about myself too much. Repentance is not about feeling guilty about our sin, but rejecting all thoughts of ourselves (including the sin), seeking His love (strengthening our faith), and doing His will (being a blessing to others). It just takes some mental discipline.